Monday, May 30, 2005

just don't know anymore

I am constantly walking the line between fear and relaxation. today g and I went out with his dad's boat, into the chesapeake. it's a small boat, nothing substantive. the water was certainly much too choppy in certain places, more placid and enjoyable in others. in the more choppy areas, g would go faster and really slam the boat down after coming off the crest of a wave. now this is fun and very scary, jarring your bones. you have to sit on a padded seat, otherwise you get a headache. this explains why boxers develop horrible neurodegenerative diseases. all those jarring hits to the body and head would cause anyone's neurons to malfunction. anyway, while jumping these waves I would get this fear that theboat was going to tip, rise too high and flip over, or throw me out of it. I have a certain reverence for water, which is really just a mild phobia, something developed in childhood due to a lack of swimming talent, lethargy and an unfortunate near-drowning panic episode. I just don't feel safe, and treat the ocean more like a wild animal than a friend. which some would find sensible. however, due to my interest in surfing and general spiritual and energetic connection I feel with my surroundings, this is something I need to get over. balance needs to be achieved, fears processed and discarded. skills learned. especially since I now have a wetsuit, and all I need is a surf board; then g will start giving me a hard time that I need to get out into the fucking water and let some waves beat the shit out of me.
I have had a certain reverence for surfing as well, as I think I understand the hold it gets on people. this is an experience that I can't put into words, but have seen people around me have. you are interacting with this huge, mammoth body of water, the most plentiful thing on earth, and at moments you transcend the boundaries of human ability and are in complete synchrony with the wave. the board is part of you, the wave is part of you. it is an experience I have had while meditating and this is why I think I have a clue about the draw of surfing. so it is something that I am interested in doing. but, as one of those often overachieving people, I am taking on too many interests. too many to devote quality time to each. with gung fu in the forefront, a lot of my time is devoted to that. gung fu and science are the top priorities in a professional and personal sense (human relationships are being left out of this equation due to their complication of this matter further). then yoga, then hiking and traveling. yoga is actually something that I would never dispense of, whereas if someone put a bullet to my head I would stop hiking. so anyway, surfing seems like something I don't feel I have the time for, physically and mentally. I feel that I have chosen my pursuits.
HOWEVER. this is not enough for me to rationalize not trying it. I will do it. the decision to want to try it is again a balance thing, and me actively letting go of controlling my life. do not close the door on something you feel you don't have the time for and think you have all you could ever possible want in what you have already found....there is always more.
so while I sit here, still smelling the sunblock I put on while on the boat today, g is watching a recording of ween on letterman in 2000, and I think of australia, blue water and waves, of gung fu and yoga on the beach, surfing, and science, science, science.
H

1 Comments:

Blogger Christoph Roggenkamp said...

Nice work, H!
Keep it up!
C

June 01, 2005 10:51 AM  

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