mighty ship at sea

I sit here at work, with a sore throat. tired, knowing that I should be doing something pressing to occupy my time. but no, I sit in my office, waiting to be paged by two nurses whose patients have parents whom I would give my eye teeth to see right now. they are the few, the proud, the people I need to be closer to finishing my study. only 6 more, and those 6 are turning out to be the worst of all. waiting, resending forms, calling. I can only really do so much data cleaning if we do not have all the information.
psychology has turned into a numbers game. we need NUMBERS! statistical significance can only be achieved with 85 participants, and we have 79. hence our numbers are crap. people who call psychology a pseudo-science really have no idea what meticulous methodology psychologists must employ to collect valid information. it's like the runty kid at school who seemed like he didn't know jack, but then all of a sudden he was playing jazz piano and head quarterback of the football team. I think that's how psychology is now. up there with the fuckin big dogs. hence emotions, thoughts, hours spent curled into a ball, agonizing over your abilities as a human being, as a parent, friend, your self worth, your body perception, your school yard bullies, your alcoholism, your cancer coping skills, your brain waves, your language (or lack thereof)... all have been assessed and coded by psychologists as either a 1 or a 0. simple as that. psychologists who engage in psychological research turn feelings into numbers and then tell us all sorts of things that we could have figured out on our own, using common sense. mostly. but this is a necessary science, because it puts humanity back into modern life.
for instance, businesses would rather not spend the money on employee benefits, day care, paid vacation, lunch break. because psychologists have done research studies to show that employees are more productive with perks, businesses often decide to keep these perks, to the known benefit of the employee. I work at a hospital and get 5 weeks vacation/year starting out. why? because hospitals are easily the most stressful work places in the world. you think that fucking report about sales performance has got you by the balls? think about being in charge of 15 patients, reading x-rays, and then having to go to a family meeting with a family whose baby was born with intestines knotted and twisted like taffy, to tell them that the kid will end up with like 10 cm of gut.
that shit can get to ya.
so anyway, psychologists must exist in these settings to let people unwind. next week I get to go to a lunch meeting where the neonatal ICU staff will discuss a baby who was on the unit for at least 5 months, first on ECMO (a heart-lung machine), then got a traechiotomy and was on a ventilator. mom in every day to care for this sick baby. they cut him open for surgery, this baby who has never been outside or home, and found his heart to be totally non-functional. so they closed him up, told parents, they probably wanted him taken off life support, and the kid died within hours. they took him out of his regular four bed room to shield him from the other baby/parents who have had the exact same hospital course and who undoubtably are feeling mixed emotions. relief to not be the family that has to deal with a death quite yet, after so much struggle, but some envy that their struggle must go on, while another family just has to pick up the pieces, focus on the older, healthy child.
heavy shit.
all I really wanted to illustrate with that last story is the importance of psychological services in these and other traumatic settings, where drama is on the menu every day and you just have to deal with it and try not to let it eat you up inside.
I guess i needed to get some of that out. I have seen a lot of death and disease in the last 8 months, and wrinkles are starting to crease around my eyes, and on my forehead.
but I am being overly dramatic.
all from H