funneling external input
interesting things swirling around in my head this beautiful may day. spring is descending upon us like an avalanche, and in a blink of an eye it will be gone, to be replaced by summer. here in philly we don't get much spring - just go from cold, snowy and unplowed streets to stuffy heat. allegedly, that's the word I hear from the natives. speaking of natives...
every once in a while a complete stranger (male) comes up to me and states very directly that I am attractive and inquires if I am "taken." this morning I was locking my bike up at the Wawa (PA convenience store that is top rate) to get coffee for my sleepy neurons, and I feel a presense next to my right leg. I look up and this tall guy, wearing light colored clothes and a commie military type hat, with cappucino colored skin is standing next to me. he's looking at me really intently says "I saw you at the park and thought you were really beautiful and I wanted to let you know that." so I go red and furiously yank at my bike lock into position so that it wraps around not only the tires but a metal apparatus that will prevent it from being stolen. I am looking down, not looking at him because I am too embarrassed. he takes that in an interesting way, almost like he thinks I don't care or don't believe him. says he's not kidding, he saw me at the park, but I'm probably already "taken, with a boyfriend." I say yes, I have a boyfriend, finally halting my bike distractionay tactics and look him straight in the eye, and ask him which park he's talking about. he's referring to Clark Park, the park I walk the dog at, which is small but possesses a wonderful community feel, great charm and is a few blocks from where I live. he says he was "working out, doing push-ups and sit-ups and saw me." cute. I am at a loss for words and he asks if he gets a handshake, we shake hands, I don't even remember if I told him my name, because I don't remember his. I told him to say hi next time he sees me, and then signal that I need to go, am in a hurry. I turn, walk into the store to get coffee and granola bar.
I was flustered, feeling not at all pretty as one pant leg was rolled up to avoid wrapping my pants in my bike chain, and I had just taken off my helmet which makes me look like some kid who runs into walls, and my hair was kinda crazy, at day 5 of no washing (one more day before it gets to be no good anymore). but it's those moments in which someone catches you off guard, slams you with something you were absolutely not expecting.
so what to make of this experience? nothing really. I am not writing this down to flaunt my prowess at attracting dudes, because, like the band Spinal Tap, my audience is becoming more selective. while yes, some guys tend to dig the H-dog, I am not run-of-the-mill attractive, and don't wear the kind of clothes that girls are wearing nowadays to "get guys." at least not for the majority of my days. so yeah, it's nice when strangers say those kinds of things to you, it lets you know someone is paying attention.
this incident has been running through my mind all morning and I just needed to write about it. in the end though, I wonder if I will ever get over my embarrassment about my attractiveness, my sexuality, my appeal to others. I am very sensitive about it, as I try to interact with people and generally deal with people based on the content of their characters, not their physical appearance and grooming prowess. so when people deal with me based on the fact that I have sexual organs, and might be visually appealing, it makes me uncomfortable, like it's that one thing that I can't control, and it gets in the way of dealing with people from one human being to another as opposed to from woman to man, or woman to woman. or cute girl to not cute guy, or frumpy girl to hot guy who thinks she isn't worth his time because her sweat pants don't have juicy written on the butt.
so where does the ink fit in, the massive tattoos that are in progress on my body. in a way it is further abstracting the body, creating art on it that puts in the body in a context that is different than the normal one. appreciating the body not for its sinuous curves, but how the sinuous curves have a big fucking dragon on them. for some people that makes the body even more attractive, for others it is too overwhelming to understand. I do it to create art, to appreciate my body more, to have things with me that help me remember concepts. it also helps remind me that my body is something I live in, but that I can be detached from, so I might as well dress it up a little. like the women who tattoo their masectomy scars and newly-flattened (sans-breast) chests, to focus energy on something that needs to be nurtured, to make beautiful what could be seen as ugly.
all for now,
H
every once in a while a complete stranger (male) comes up to me and states very directly that I am attractive and inquires if I am "taken." this morning I was locking my bike up at the Wawa (PA convenience store that is top rate) to get coffee for my sleepy neurons, and I feel a presense next to my right leg. I look up and this tall guy, wearing light colored clothes and a commie military type hat, with cappucino colored skin is standing next to me. he's looking at me really intently says "I saw you at the park and thought you were really beautiful and I wanted to let you know that." so I go red and furiously yank at my bike lock into position so that it wraps around not only the tires but a metal apparatus that will prevent it from being stolen. I am looking down, not looking at him because I am too embarrassed. he takes that in an interesting way, almost like he thinks I don't care or don't believe him. says he's not kidding, he saw me at the park, but I'm probably already "taken, with a boyfriend." I say yes, I have a boyfriend, finally halting my bike distractionay tactics and look him straight in the eye, and ask him which park he's talking about. he's referring to Clark Park, the park I walk the dog at, which is small but possesses a wonderful community feel, great charm and is a few blocks from where I live. he says he was "working out, doing push-ups and sit-ups and saw me." cute. I am at a loss for words and he asks if he gets a handshake, we shake hands, I don't even remember if I told him my name, because I don't remember his. I told him to say hi next time he sees me, and then signal that I need to go, am in a hurry. I turn, walk into the store to get coffee and granola bar.
I was flustered, feeling not at all pretty as one pant leg was rolled up to avoid wrapping my pants in my bike chain, and I had just taken off my helmet which makes me look like some kid who runs into walls, and my hair was kinda crazy, at day 5 of no washing (one more day before it gets to be no good anymore). but it's those moments in which someone catches you off guard, slams you with something you were absolutely not expecting.
so what to make of this experience? nothing really. I am not writing this down to flaunt my prowess at attracting dudes, because, like the band Spinal Tap, my audience is becoming more selective. while yes, some guys tend to dig the H-dog, I am not run-of-the-mill attractive, and don't wear the kind of clothes that girls are wearing nowadays to "get guys." at least not for the majority of my days. so yeah, it's nice when strangers say those kinds of things to you, it lets you know someone is paying attention.
this incident has been running through my mind all morning and I just needed to write about it. in the end though, I wonder if I will ever get over my embarrassment about my attractiveness, my sexuality, my appeal to others. I am very sensitive about it, as I try to interact with people and generally deal with people based on the content of their characters, not their physical appearance and grooming prowess. so when people deal with me based on the fact that I have sexual organs, and might be visually appealing, it makes me uncomfortable, like it's that one thing that I can't control, and it gets in the way of dealing with people from one human being to another as opposed to from woman to man, or woman to woman. or cute girl to not cute guy, or frumpy girl to hot guy who thinks she isn't worth his time because her sweat pants don't have juicy written on the butt.
so where does the ink fit in, the massive tattoos that are in progress on my body. in a way it is further abstracting the body, creating art on it that puts in the body in a context that is different than the normal one. appreciating the body not for its sinuous curves, but how the sinuous curves have a big fucking dragon on them. for some people that makes the body even more attractive, for others it is too overwhelming to understand. I do it to create art, to appreciate my body more, to have things with me that help me remember concepts. it also helps remind me that my body is something I live in, but that I can be detached from, so I might as well dress it up a little. like the women who tattoo their masectomy scars and newly-flattened (sans-breast) chests, to focus energy on something that needs to be nurtured, to make beautiful what could be seen as ugly.
all for now,
H
posted by H at 10:11 AM
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