seeing is believing 

eye contact, what measures up?

Here I am, back posting again. Thanks to C and X for the kind words. Pictures of the house will be up shortly. I won't promise them too soon, as we are very much in the throes of painting and fixins. I am head (and only) painter, and have been huffing fumes like a motha, which could explain why I have been feeling weird.
It's really interesting how you can really think you have the mind figured out, have come to an elevated level of understanding, and then if you don't maintain it, it seeps away. I have been working on a specific meditation for months now, and my experience with it has really changed. at first I was able to create this indescribably wonderful feeling in my chest, opening up energetic blockages in the heart and throat areas. I could call up the feeling even while not meditating, just by positioning my body a certain way. Then one day I didn't do the meditation; when I sat down the next day the feeling vanished, never to return again in the same intensity. then I cultivated a profound sense of relaxation throughout my whole body, which I could again call up at will, while walking, sitting, etc. That is not so much the case anymore. now the meditation is getting more minute, in that I am sensing the visualization and sensory aspects of the meditation in a more specific way. now it is mind and feeling, not so much relaxation or specific feelings in certain places. the challenge here is to not get attached to one feeling, thinking that was the end all be all, and that something is lost because it is no longer there.
the even BIGGER challenge is releasing the attachment to the meditation itself. I do it every morning first thing after I wake up. this is a weird time to do it, in that I used to be a lot more spacey when meditating so soon after sleep. now though I can focus more and more right after waking up. if I don't do the meditation in the morning due to schedule or something, I feel "off." or rather, I think I feel off. this is a cause of concern because addiction runs strong in me and my genes, and addiction is a very extreme form of attachment that most all of us exhibit more than we even can fathom. even addiction to something good is damaging to us in the long run. this concept is something that buddhism teaches in a very negative context, that I have grown to disagree with, and which is unnecessary with the right teachings. most eastern religions teach that attachment is bad, but without proper instruction, trying to live by your interpretation of this concept can lead to apathy, depression, self-deprecation, probably at worst suicide. why live if all this crap is just suffering (samsara) anyway?????
so what am I going to do about my meditation addiction (or fear of addiction)? first off, the realization and caution regarding possible addiction is a good first step. but I will need guidance from my teacher around this matter. my expectation is that I will continue to do this and other meditations, and concern myself with attachment as I go along. I have already taken steps towards releasing it, and release will just come as I learn more and more.
but, yes, to allude to my statement above, about fooling yourself into having you mind figured out...
I am at the point where I can observe and remove myself a bit from my thought processes. this doesn't mean that I am not doing stuff that makes me mad or seems counterproductive, but I feel more like I am watching myself do it, without being totally into it. the key thing now is to not relent, but to push on into scarier, more unknown places.
weird.
who knows what more will come?
selah,
H

state of the nation 

at long last, hitting my head against the wet paint

I am finally back on the wagon with this whole blog thing. I haven't posted anything since the 10th, and that post was a cop-out picture post that does not measure up.
Things have been so incredibly busy with me. so many things in life are changing - new job, new home (owned by yours truely and frogmang), am going to be going through rituals to become an inner chamber disciple in T'ien Lung Tao...
craziness.
but I don't like to rant and rave about my personal life in this fashion. I prefer to reveal details in my essays on topics, as I find the "I did this and this" blogs to be the stupidest and most self-indulgent things around, next to having your own blog to begin with. that last sentence is rather extreme. clarification: if you have somthing interesting to say a blog is great, and you should go for it. but who's going to really want to read about some friend of theirs, writing about biking saturday and then health club sunday along with killer italian food afterwards. ho hum. rant rant rant...
Yes, as mentioned above I am leaving my current job. no more neonatal unit with sick babies and sticky ethical topics. I am also leaving adolescent chronic pain, so no more intricate psychological measures and teasing out of the exact days of school absenses. it's good. I am happy but apprehensive. once you make a change for the near future (and the far off future for that matter), you want it to happen NOW. not wait. I am just trying to enjoy my time here.
you know what? I really can't find anything in myself that isn't just a release of pent up thoughts, the need to just rample and process. I don't feel that this blog is the forum for that kind of writing. I just need some time alone, to myself. I feel like I haven't read a book in a month, for christ's sake.
and yes, while painting yesterday I did hit my head against some wet paint (white) and now have some streaks that are almost as well blended as some of the highlighting jobs I see around here.
am done.
H

pictures

the pictures posted below are for a friend of mine who is going to OZ this winter and will be living there for a year.
I plan on using this pictures to illustrate some cool spots I want her to hit. this is a work in progress and not complete.
Feel free to peruse the pictures. there are some good ones in there.
photo credit: gavin hecker aka frogmang (see side bar link to his blog)

cool dunes from afar

near kosciousko (spelling?) national park (highest peak in OZ)

cool rocks

wilson's promontory

me and kelly on squeaky beach

12 apostles

waterfall

blue moutains

beach near syndey

dunes

Uluru, my friend. I will see you some day

furor

it's interesting how when I sit down to write this blog, I always start a few sentences and then immediately erase them. they just don't sound right, come from a place in mind that is forced, not natural. I am currently writing these sentences that you are reading as an intro, mostly because I just became aware of this process, but also because I don't know what else to write right now.
so have I piqued everyone's interest yet? I hope so.
so I have decided to comment on race and stereotype today, quite a fitting topic I think, as I live in the city of brotherly love. This same city also has a very active african-american population, as well as other ethnic groups. not so many hispanic/latino people, but lots of asian, african, middle eastern etc. my neighborhood especially is teeming with different groups. I could walk out my door and see a chinese grandmother with her grandchild, a black man in full moslem garb, with his wife in full veil, only her eyes peeking out, riding in a car blaring gangsta rap, then see some white hippie folks with brickenstocks and dreaded hair, while bumping into someone of obvious middle eastern decent, modestly dressed, on his way to work. and this all within 60 seconds flat. absolutely fascinating. I think I like it so much partially because living in germany during my highly formative pre-teen and teenage years, I was living in mostly whitebread communities. Turkish people were the largest minority in germany. I was friends with some turkish people, close friends actually. Elem Memish, a very good friend for some years. One of my best friends later on in my teen years was a war refugee from the Bosnian war, 1/2 moslem and 1/2 serb. Ornela Pesic was her name, and I haven't seen her since 1999, and would do anything to see her again. anyway, I am only really trying to illustrate my encounters with people from different backrounds. I would visit the states every once and while during my life in germany, and was exposed to the US minorty groups, but it was not long enough to really sink in.
I think that because I lived in Germany for so long (9 years) I grew up feeling like an outsider anyway. It took me so long to feel comfortable there, I always felt separate, the american, I'm not like the Germans with their bad fashion sense, non-funny sense of humor and frequent narrow-minded "obrigkeitsdenken." so naturally when I met someone who was not part of that german group, I felt like they were a comrade. I had created my own little in-group as a bi-cultural person (the only other person in that group being my brother JP), and didn't expect anyone else to fall into my category, so was able to approach them with a fresh mind. Plus, as a foreigner and transplant smack dab into a new country, suddenly, I had to be good at interacting with people I knew very little about.
when I came back to the states to live (now 6 years ago - has it really been that long?) I had to adjust to so many things. culture shock was a son of a bitch, and I know it well. I got used to seeing black people not just in movies. I got used to Hispanic people ( a group I had very rarely, if at all, encountered before the age of 18), and really began to like the diversity.
My view developed as follows. Please excuse any tree-hugger terminology. I have been known to hug trees. Also, I am trying to bear in mind that this opinion may very well change, as I am still young.
On with it...
I try to approach each person I encounter with a fresh mind. a beginners mind if you will, for all eastern philosophites. I start with the generals: hi, how are you, bla bla bla. then go from there. I talk about fashion with the environmental services people at work, politics with the docs, food with others, etc. I try to think about what we have in common as human beings, what we both feel comfortable talking about, and go from there.
this applies to all people I encounter, not just in terms of racial interactions. i just find people who were not raised in my two cultures (US and Germany) damn interesting. different points of view, different ways of living, different perception of life. So much to learn from these people. such a wealth of knowlegde.
I'm not saint though. I get bored. and something often happens that I think is true for a lot of people. I tend to react more negatively to people in my racial group (white people) if they are boring me, or making me feel annoyed, than people of other descents. reverse prejudice. Psychology is a bitch isn't it? why? we walk around on tip toes trying to avoid the stinging brand of 'racist' so carefully, that we are now starting to be more accepting and permissive of people of different origins than our own.
of course, ultimately this needs to stop. I am an equalist. this is a term I invented (yeah, real fucking original). I want to treat everyone the same, regardless of race, gender, and give everyone the treatment they deserve through their actions. so by being overly indulgent or pemissive to people of other races I am not doing good in the long run. but at least I am aware of it and I can try to work on it.
food for thought.
it's late.
selah,
H