sketches of winkle
The following was written yesterday, January 7th, 2006, begun at 10:15 pm.
We were in a plane, somewhere over Virginia, en route to Philly. This was the second leg of our return trip from Costa Rica back to the US.
The Costa Rica trip is nearing its final leg, and I am happy and sad, exhausted and elated, filled with memories of the trip and trepadation towards the future. I am hoping that the trepadation is mostly the result of the usual paranoia I experience on a reasonably routine basis re: gung fu, training, my progress. I always feel that I am not doing enough, possibly alienating him, making him (secretly) unwilling/uninterested in teaching me.
I have been reading HST for almost the entire day, in spurts: waiting for planes, sitting on planes. I can't seem to put the man down and he is weaseling, worming his way further into my psyche.
I would much rather sleep in tomorrow a. m., than get up at 7:30 am, meditate and then go to Allentown to train for 2 hours, risking underhanded comments from P that I, in my opinion, don't really deserve, stand off-ish behavior from Joe, as I have neglected him terribly and he has not called nor have I. Sometimes I think about just giving it all up. These thoughts scare me, but since they have surfaced they need to be acknowledged, not repressed. I wonder if I am at the end of the rope with the shit, or if it's the hormones/neuropeptides talking. I've learned not to nec. trust those thoughts that come in states of fatigue, not act on them in a knee jerk fashion, so the old "wait 'n' see how you feel in the morning" thing is on the menu and with a decision/mulling over process like this I'd like to order 2 or 3 helpings of mulling. So I am stuck with this dilemma.
Also, there are future plans to think about, options to explore re: education and direction, as my thinking has been loosening due to my removal from the daily rhythm. This has been due to the holidays and the trip. Taking myself away from things, gaining clean perspective, questions arise from the murky depths that always simmer. And now they're telling me "FUCKING STOP AND THINK!" (the banner on my cell phone display) . Stop rushing and stride at a slower pace. Life has been very busy and I have been holding on by a bit of a thread. I have been engaging in unhealthy habits, which is also a sure sign of needing to take some perspective.
What does it all mean? Well, I am unhappy. Things are not all good. I think it all started with the GRE bullshit and spiralled from there. Coupled with that has been job stuff causing stress. There has been a realization regarding the job situation, a shift in focus of the problem. I have located the real problem and now feel comfortablke in my opinion on the matter. But still there is the strenuous traveling that has put a whole new spin on life as well.
But otherwise things are okay. I now have a big ass rock on my left ring finger, a very surprising development (more in the actual execution than the event itself). Major sort of life step. Moving on even farther down the rabbit hole of adulthood/development. But this is a good one and I am better off. Of course.
The rock's just really kinda big...
The key I guess is just meditating and talking about what's going on in my head, vs. stuffing it inside so it can distract me and decrease my efficiency and focus later. Fear is just hte key factor. So much of my problem is fear that my solution is to crawl inside my little head and not come out. Ruminating on things, simmering, marinating, till I reach a breaking point of complete bursting and I dissolve into tears of frustration. And this is not how it should be. But I associate sso much of this reaction with "who I am" that jolting myself out of this 25 year pattern is painful and disorienting. So I am stuck with all this nonsense. At least for the time being while I work through it.
But I feel better having written a mad rant on thoughts and feelings, especially after the events of the past few weeks and the reading and absorption of the day. Expulsion was necessary.
cazart.
We were in a plane, somewhere over Virginia, en route to Philly. This was the second leg of our return trip from Costa Rica back to the US.
The Costa Rica trip is nearing its final leg, and I am happy and sad, exhausted and elated, filled with memories of the trip and trepadation towards the future. I am hoping that the trepadation is mostly the result of the usual paranoia I experience on a reasonably routine basis re: gung fu, training, my progress. I always feel that I am not doing enough, possibly alienating him, making him (secretly) unwilling/uninterested in teaching me.
I have been reading HST for almost the entire day, in spurts: waiting for planes, sitting on planes. I can't seem to put the man down and he is weaseling, worming his way further into my psyche.
I would much rather sleep in tomorrow a. m., than get up at 7:30 am, meditate and then go to Allentown to train for 2 hours, risking underhanded comments from P that I, in my opinion, don't really deserve, stand off-ish behavior from Joe, as I have neglected him terribly and he has not called nor have I. Sometimes I think about just giving it all up. These thoughts scare me, but since they have surfaced they need to be acknowledged, not repressed. I wonder if I am at the end of the rope with the shit, or if it's the hormones/neuropeptides talking. I've learned not to nec. trust those thoughts that come in states of fatigue, not act on them in a knee jerk fashion, so the old "wait 'n' see how you feel in the morning" thing is on the menu and with a decision/mulling over process like this I'd like to order 2 or 3 helpings of mulling. So I am stuck with this dilemma.
Also, there are future plans to think about, options to explore re: education and direction, as my thinking has been loosening due to my removal from the daily rhythm. This has been due to the holidays and the trip. Taking myself away from things, gaining clean perspective, questions arise from the murky depths that always simmer. And now they're telling me "FUCKING STOP AND THINK!" (the banner on my cell phone display) . Stop rushing and stride at a slower pace. Life has been very busy and I have been holding on by a bit of a thread. I have been engaging in unhealthy habits, which is also a sure sign of needing to take some perspective.
What does it all mean? Well, I am unhappy. Things are not all good. I think it all started with the GRE bullshit and spiralled from there. Coupled with that has been job stuff causing stress. There has been a realization regarding the job situation, a shift in focus of the problem. I have located the real problem and now feel comfortablke in my opinion on the matter. But still there is the strenuous traveling that has put a whole new spin on life as well.
But otherwise things are okay. I now have a big ass rock on my left ring finger, a very surprising development (more in the actual execution than the event itself). Major sort of life step. Moving on even farther down the rabbit hole of adulthood/development. But this is a good one and I am better off. Of course.
The rock's just really kinda big...
The key I guess is just meditating and talking about what's going on in my head, vs. stuffing it inside so it can distract me and decrease my efficiency and focus later. Fear is just hte key factor. So much of my problem is fear that my solution is to crawl inside my little head and not come out. Ruminating on things, simmering, marinating, till I reach a breaking point of complete bursting and I dissolve into tears of frustration. And this is not how it should be. But I associate sso much of this reaction with "who I am" that jolting myself out of this 25 year pattern is painful and disorienting. So I am stuck with all this nonsense. At least for the time being while I work through it.
But I feel better having written a mad rant on thoughts and feelings, especially after the events of the past few weeks and the reading and absorption of the day. Expulsion was necessary.
cazart.
posted by H at 6:42 PM
1 Comments:
to suck life from the teat of fear, to bustle ever forward, straining to keep the dark, burning things at bay, but filled with the promise and hope of love, and facing those things which most people take unexamined to their deaths...
push on, brave soul, and falter not, for you can always send a telegram to the right people.
I love you. X
Post a Comment
<< Home