eye contact, what measures up?
Here I am, back posting again. Thanks to C and X for the kind words. Pictures of the house will be up shortly. I won't promise them too soon, as we are very much in the throes of painting and fixins. I am head (and only) painter, and have been huffing fumes like a motha, which could explain why I have been feeling weird.
It's really interesting how you can really think you have the mind figured out, have come to an elevated level of understanding, and then if you don't maintain it, it seeps away. I have been working on a specific meditation for months now, and my experience with it has really changed. at first I was able to create this indescribably wonderful feeling in my chest, opening up energetic blockages in the heart and throat areas. I could call up the feeling even while not meditating, just by positioning my body a certain way. Then one day I didn't do the meditation; when I sat down the next day the feeling vanished, never to return again in the same intensity. then I cultivated a profound sense of relaxation throughout my whole body, which I could again call up at will, while walking, sitting, etc. That is not so much the case anymore. now the meditation is getting more minute, in that I am sensing the visualization and sensory aspects of the meditation in a more specific way. now it is mind and feeling, not so much relaxation or specific feelings in certain places. the challenge here is to not get attached to one feeling, thinking that was the end all be all, and that something is lost because it is no longer there.
the even BIGGER challenge is releasing the attachment to the meditation itself. I do it every morning first thing after I wake up. this is a weird time to do it, in that I used to be a lot more spacey when meditating so soon after sleep. now though I can focus more and more right after waking up. if I don't do the meditation in the morning due to schedule or something, I feel "off." or rather, I think I feel off. this is a cause of concern because addiction runs strong in me and my genes, and addiction is a very extreme form of attachment that most all of us exhibit more than we even can fathom. even addiction to something good is damaging to us in the long run. this concept is something that buddhism teaches in a very negative context, that I have grown to disagree with, and which is unnecessary with the right teachings. most eastern religions teach that attachment is bad, but without proper instruction, trying to live by your interpretation of this concept can lead to apathy, depression, self-deprecation, probably at worst suicide. why live if all this crap is just suffering (samsara) anyway?????
so what am I going to do about my meditation addiction (or fear of addiction)? first off, the realization and caution regarding possible addiction is a good first step. but I will need guidance from my teacher around this matter. my expectation is that I will continue to do this and other meditations, and concern myself with attachment as I go along. I have already taken steps towards releasing it, and release will just come as I learn more and more.
but, yes, to allude to my statement above, about fooling yourself into having you mind figured out...
I am at the point where I can observe and remove myself a bit from my thought processes. this doesn't mean that I am not doing stuff that makes me mad or seems counterproductive, but I feel more like I am watching myself do it, without being totally into it. the key thing now is to not relent, but to push on into scarier, more unknown places.
weird.
who knows what more will come?
selah,
H
It's really interesting how you can really think you have the mind figured out, have come to an elevated level of understanding, and then if you don't maintain it, it seeps away. I have been working on a specific meditation for months now, and my experience with it has really changed. at first I was able to create this indescribably wonderful feeling in my chest, opening up energetic blockages in the heart and throat areas. I could call up the feeling even while not meditating, just by positioning my body a certain way. Then one day I didn't do the meditation; when I sat down the next day the feeling vanished, never to return again in the same intensity. then I cultivated a profound sense of relaxation throughout my whole body, which I could again call up at will, while walking, sitting, etc. That is not so much the case anymore. now the meditation is getting more minute, in that I am sensing the visualization and sensory aspects of the meditation in a more specific way. now it is mind and feeling, not so much relaxation or specific feelings in certain places. the challenge here is to not get attached to one feeling, thinking that was the end all be all, and that something is lost because it is no longer there.
the even BIGGER challenge is releasing the attachment to the meditation itself. I do it every morning first thing after I wake up. this is a weird time to do it, in that I used to be a lot more spacey when meditating so soon after sleep. now though I can focus more and more right after waking up. if I don't do the meditation in the morning due to schedule or something, I feel "off." or rather, I think I feel off. this is a cause of concern because addiction runs strong in me and my genes, and addiction is a very extreme form of attachment that most all of us exhibit more than we even can fathom. even addiction to something good is damaging to us in the long run. this concept is something that buddhism teaches in a very negative context, that I have grown to disagree with, and which is unnecessary with the right teachings. most eastern religions teach that attachment is bad, but without proper instruction, trying to live by your interpretation of this concept can lead to apathy, depression, self-deprecation, probably at worst suicide. why live if all this crap is just suffering (samsara) anyway?????
so what am I going to do about my meditation addiction (or fear of addiction)? first off, the realization and caution regarding possible addiction is a good first step. but I will need guidance from my teacher around this matter. my expectation is that I will continue to do this and other meditations, and concern myself with attachment as I go along. I have already taken steps towards releasing it, and release will just come as I learn more and more.
but, yes, to allude to my statement above, about fooling yourself into having you mind figured out...
I am at the point where I can observe and remove myself a bit from my thought processes. this doesn't mean that I am not doing stuff that makes me mad or seems counterproductive, but I feel more like I am watching myself do it, without being totally into it. the key thing now is to not relent, but to push on into scarier, more unknown places.
weird.
who knows what more will come?
selah,
H
posted by H at 12:31 PM
1 Comments:
HC,
i go through a similar cycle with non-ado and a positive outlook on myself and life. for weeks, it's easy, everything is happening and i am happening with it, then, zang, it all falls apart. i think it's similar to how your brain burns out on love after about two years, when the receptors are numb to the chemicals of love, and it stops. Maybe the spiritual cycle goes through the same throes, but maybe it's a building process, too. love X
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