clean yourself out baby 

the way of the world

things have been very interesting lately. I have found myself observing my own reactions to change... how attached one can become to rhythm and predictability, and how difficult it can be to accomodate altering the rhythm. embracing the extemporaneous (GRE vocab word). allegedly, people born in the zodiac sign of cancer are kinda homebodies and if you believe in any of that crap, you could easily extrapolate it to being comfortable in familiar surroundings. I find myself not performing tasks because they are not in my regular rhythm (rhythm is a hard word to write - I am not in the rhythm of writing it, haha). I get locked into functioning a certain way and have to jolt myself out of it to introduce innovation. once the innovation gets locked in, however, it's fucking cemented. take meditation: for years I kept meaning to start. then my teacher gave me a specific meditation to do and said practice it every day, multiple times a day if possible, and BAM I was meditating everyday for approx. 1/2 an hour. from one day to the next: change institutionalized, cemented, now it's protocol. I think that is one of the benefits of having a teacher. because there is a certain amount of responsibility that you have towards the person (if you don't do what they tell you, they will stop teaching you), you have to be more pro-active in your learning and practice. that's where the whole "external" pressure comes - like all those people who can't go the gym without a buddy.
anyway, as tangents abound, I will observe them, let them go and get back to the central topic ( this last little utterance is a bit of a meditation tool, applied to thoughts, that I see mentioned a lot, although I don't know how much good it does if you have no instruction beyond that).
change. oh yeah. it comes back to observing things and expecting them to be a certain way, vs. observing them anew each day and acting based on that, not expectations. that seems to be the "sage's" way, if you ask me. so much about learning about the mind is observation, clear, unfettered observation. looking at what is going on truthfully, without bias. unfortunately these ideas often get jettisoned off to the world of no opinion, just observation, and the whole "whatever is right for you" mentality, which gets you nowhere psychologically and spiritually. there is very clear right and wrong in this world, and saying there isn't is a cop out. for sure.
right and wrong appeal very much to the rational mind, the one that is nurtured by unfettered observation and truth. the emotional mind however HATES right and wrong, as these principles do not allow for the little unreasonable things the emotional groin and heart tell us to do each day. No, you WANT to work out constantly and be anorexic to impress that guy/those guys/ those girls. No, you WANT to eat that 1/2 of cheese cake even though it holds zero nutritional value. No, you WANT that fucking kick ass watch. No, you REALLY WANT to watch TV instead of talking to others or reading a book.
I could go on forever.
What's really funny is that my emotional mind was preventing me from naming examples of its functioning at first.
damn you.
so yeah. change good. observation good. emotional groin and heart, not bad, but do not follow blindly. right and wrong good to know.
make your list, check it twice.
H

encapsulating madness 

distraction

what do you do when all seems to crumble? when you find yourself thinking teddible thoughts, thoughts that make you shiver and feel disgusted, thoughts that if they had a scent would smell like vomit and adrenaline, thoughts that are your emotional mind screaming "FOLLOW ME MOTHERFUCKER!"
such fun.
the slings and arrows of this are something probably everyone with a bit of imagination (or empathy) can get a feel for. kind of like everyone's dirty little secret is that we all loathe those whom we love, we wish to be alone on this planet, if only for a day, to be free to climb statues in museums, piss off the top of mount rushmore, go naked into the ocean during the day on an otherwise crowded beach, go to the top of a sky scraper and scream at the top of our lungs.
the truth of the matter is that the emotional turmoil will not go away, even if allowed such dramatic and fansiful release. though most people are not aware of this, we choose, every second of every day, to endorse our emotions, to defy rationality and go with our "guts," "groins," "hearts," or all three depending on the day. the choice is just not something that we are aware of. it seems "natural" so we do it. yeah, well Joseph Smith, the guy who founded the Mormon Church, also went with "natural," which for him was his groin. He made polygamy part of the religion, so as to sow his holy seed in as many young girls as possible. just because it feels right doesn't mean it is right. millions of dysfunctional relationships are based on "feeling right," and we know how many divorces there are, how many abusing relationships.
it's something I'm getting a front row seat for with a co-worker. her boyfriend just broke up with her because their long distance relationship wasn't working out, or so he said. for hours I have bombarded her with reasons based on their incompatibility why not to try to win him back or go visit him or call him. others have done the same. she says "yeah, I know, I know." but then straight from her heart, which is still clinging desperately to a love lost, a death in a part of its chambers, she says "but I am going to try anyway." there's that emotional mind saying DO AS I SAY!!!
and we do.
and I do.
but I work hard figuring how not to.
good luck, H.