what i need right now 

just goddamn tired

yes, that is the cheery title for this post. sorry, but there isn't much in sugar coating for this blog entry. I kinda felt jinxed from the getgo this a.m., too tired for regular yoga routine, all red lights on my bike on the route to the auto place to pick up the car, swearing a strangers in cars for not being "fast enough" for me (on my bike), no interesting emails from fun people, not messages on my space.com, etc. the list could go on and on. I think this entry might be the one that finally forces me to spout venom about my life right now. the qualifier in all this is that things in my life are not bad right now. new job that seems cool, new house that is shaping up quite nicely, nice-ish weather, trips being planned. all the makings of an exciting time. but no, I am not happy and gushy, just overflowing with excitement. it's more along the lines of dragging through today, tired of talking on teh phone, tired of taking people's body weights that make me feel fat, tired of sitting at the damn computer, freaked out about this whole "buying stuff" together thing that is happening right now. I never though buying an oven would be so anxiety-producing. but by golly it is. the fear that you are getting yourself into something you might not be ready for runs deep right now. very deep. I still feel weird about such domestic and "committing" things, like having to debate over flat top stove vs. raised burner stove with my boyfriend's dad, weird about buying a sofa that we both can agree on. the collection of "things" also freaks me out, because they can make me feel suffocated. eek. all the while I am being pulled, pushed and prodded by my emotions: some strong with love and excitement, some dreading the finality of the process, some fears pulling me towards escapism and distraction. it is difficult. that core light inside me still remains unaffected and I still can feel that as the eye in my hurricane, but I am still fighting various battles inside, debating the thoughts and feelings that might lead me down spiraling paths of unbalanced action.
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all of these things have pulled me away from writing my blog recently. I have been so busy with so many things, that I haven't felt able to just sit down and write a thought piece that wasn't a rant like this. I finally broke down though and decided to let 'er rip.
H

drunken master 

it is alive

sorry I have been absent for so long. was in canada for a week with my kung fu family, and am starting a new job this week. madness.
good madness. change, adjusting to new situations helps you guage how well you have been doing with your efforts to increase your skills as an organizer of words, people, documents and facts. I see room for improvement in myself as much as in others.
all for now,
H